Drunk Ninja Death Bus
by LCsquee
Summary: Fucking shit man. Ninjas and death metal and stupid as fuck. Ninjas (try to) act as security detail for the band while on tour. Shit.


Tsunade was a somewhat patient soul. She was, really. But this– this, group, this _band_ were going to drive her up the wall. And across the ceiling. And down the other wall to her liquor cabinet.

It was simple at first. Barely a B-rank mission, pretty standard: escort and protect a famous band while on a short, 4-month tour. She sent a small cell, nothing spectacular. They came back after only three days. _In an insulated beer cooler._ How the 2-man chunin cell had managed to die during a concert, with no attackers, and from a series of flaming, spiked _amplifiers_ and somehow were dismembered and partially liquified was beyond her. Just an accident, she told herself, just a freak accident.

They renegotiated the terms of the mission contract, and she sent a full cell with a rather talented, rising chunin as the leader and three efficient subordinates. They never came back. Wolves– fucking _wolves_ ate them. The band's _pets_. They were somehow exposed to some obscure drug a bandmember was using, and the next thing anyone knew, according to the band's manager, the chunin had shed their clothes and some of their own fucking _skin_ and run out to the wolves with open arms. They came back with open throats. Another team dead, and more fatalities without any enemies to blame.

One team gone was chance. Two was not.

Tsunade downed her sake, slamming the bottle down on the desk with a little more force than she intended. Chunks of wood and splinters shot out on either side of her with a boom like a gunshot as her desk fell inwards on itself. A murmured "Dood, fuckin' metal!" filtered it's way through the dust cloud of wood particles.

The air cleared, and Tsunade leveled a glare across the room where an assortment of fuckasses— ahem, _clients_ sat. The band's manager stood slightly in front of them, half for the sake of professionalism, half as protection. He looked completely unfitting for the rank of a shinobi, but Tsunade couldn't help but to be reminded of Ibiki.

Back to business. She slowly pointed one polished nail at the manager. "You," she growled, "are a fucking liar."

Lawyer mode seemed to kick in, and Ofdensen automatically responded, "Dethklok and it's associates, ah, have lived up to their end of the contract and as such have not, as you say, ah, lied in as such a way as to–"

 _"Bull SHIT!"_ Tsunade barked, restraining herself from smashing the remains of her desk through the floor and down onto the poor, unsuspecting jonin lounge room. "When we explained the ranking for the mission– when we gave you paperwork to read through and sign to confirm your understanding– you said that this would be, at most, a B rank mission. This is an _A_ rank! We would have sent a completely different cell setup and ranking of ninja, and we would have charged you more. Six of my chunin wouldn't be dead right now if you hadn't _lied_."

Tsunade paused for a calming breath. She continued with a sour look, "I am tempted to dismiss you from here– to ban you from ever receiving services from us again, if I'm being completely honest." And, oh, did she want to do more than that. She wanted to do something involving her getting very drunk and 'accidentally' throwing a chakra-laden punch straight into the manager's face. But… they were so damn _wealthy._ The amount they paid for the mission so far was exorbitant in the extreme. The village needed the money after all the damages and the strain of war on their resources.

"Ahem." She looked up. Ofdensen offered up some imitation of an apologetic smile, "We at Dethklok express our deepest sympathies at the loss of your valued soldiers, but we were honest when we said we believed the, ah, mission to be only a B-rank. We are willing to renegotiate if you are." Behind him, the five band members prodded and argued amongst themselves over something.

Tsunade leaned back in her chair. She drew in a deep breath, held it for a moment, and blew out a sigh. "Very well. But I will need some more information about your _band._ For starters, what is your personal soldiers'–uhm, "she looked down at her paperwork scattered on the broken desk, " _Klokateers'_ mortality rate?"

Ofdensen's smile faltered. Glancing back as the ten Klokateers standing loyally behind and to the side of the band, he opened his mouth to answer, but was cut to the chase by one of the band members raising his hand.

Tsunade looked flatly at the large man. "What?" she asked, impatient.

He looked to the side at one of his band mates, a short redhead, before answering in a deep voice, "We were, uh, wondering if, you know, uh, you're a superhero. Or a mutant or some shit." Tsunade's mouth fell open a little. Ofdensen whispered an exasperated, _"Nathan!"_

"Ors a vikings goddess!" a tall blonde chimed in. He gave her a sultry look.

Tsunade sat further back in her chair, blinking slowly.

A younger looking man with brown hair and soft blue eyes added a cheerful, "Yeps, she's a real pretty lady, shes must bes from Oden's realm!"

The last band member, a disturbing-looking man with an incredible lisp, grumbled, "Idiotsch, She's a fucking _pro-wrestchler."_

Tsunade closed her eyes briefly. How a group so successful could be so damn dumb she couldn't understand.

"Ah," Ofdensen interrupted, looking with a frown at his band, "I suppose we should introduce our band here and, ah, explain a few things… for the benefit of _both_ parties."

—-

The last two cells had operated in the shadows, unknown to the band. That did not end well. It was decided that they would not only know of the shinobi that were to guard them this time, but meet and interact with them as they were actively guarded. Ninjas were real, and the band were ecstatic. The contract was renegotiated, the price raised substantially, and Tsunade was mollified.

Not taking any chances, Tsunade personally picked the ninja who were to accompany the band, and introduced them herself. Kakashi, perhaps the most capable ninja at her disposal, was made captain– prodigy child of the White Fang, student of the fourth hokage, jonin at 12, former anbu captain, survivor and hero of 2 wars– the list of outstanding credentials went on. Under him was: Naruto, a powerhouse and friend to all, not to mention practically impossible to kill; Sakura, the second best healer in Konoha and Tsunade's apprentice; and Gai, another hard-to-kill powerhouse and half of a lethal jonin pair when fighting with Kakashi. She was tempted to send Sai or Yamato as well, but she wanted to keep the cell a small, efficient unit.

At their sendoff, Tsunade gave the group a hard look and nodded. As they disappeared through Konoha's gates, she barked after them, "Don't die, shitheads!"

Ready to climb aboard their black airship, Nathan turned to look at Kakashi, mumbling, "Your ninja mom's a badass."

Kakashi merely nodded in agreement.

—–

Team Kakashi did not die. That did not mean they did not suffer, however.

"Dood, show us another ninja trick!" Pickles encouraged from the couch. Naruto grinned, but Sakura narrowed her eyes at him. Naruto deflated and shook his head sadly.

Pickles leaned forward, Toki mirroring him, "Ah, c'mahn, just a little one, pleeeaaaaaaaase~!" He drew it out with a whine, Toki joining him to form a horrible, pleading duet. A vein formed and throbbed in Sakura's forehead. Naruto gave her puppy eyes. She began to shake slightly.

Nathan appeared around the doorway with Kakashi. They, surprisingly enough, got along well. Nathan heard the pleas, spotted Naruto's face, a now common combination, and grunted, "Hey, douchebags. You're about to get your asses kicked by a girl if you don't stop. So, uh, stop." Kakashi turned a page of his book and nodded.

The two pouted, but ceased their whining. Nathan and Kakashi left the room, their footsteps faded. A few moments passed, Toki and Pickles listening intently. No more footsteps.

" _PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEE~!"_

Five hallways and two rooms away, a cry of "SHANNARO!" was heard, with the unmistakeable sound of breaking stone.

Kakashi sighed, moving to close his book with a sigh. Nathan also made to get up from his chair. They knew by now that Sakura could heal any damage she did, but their duty as leaders meant that they still had to go and call their pulverized comrades idiots. For form's sake. They paused when they heard a cry of appreciation. Ah, so she didn't hit them. They sat back down, Nathan placing reading glasses on his face as he opened a book.

A few minutes passed in silence, both men reading contentedly. Then a shout of "Harem no jutsu!" echoed, followed by immediate yells of approval, then another screamed "SHANNARO–" that was cut off by a desperate "Harem no jutsu– yaoi edition!" and two screams of agony, both of which were soon drowned out by a "HELL YEAH!" and a belated "OH MY GOD, YOU GUYSCH ARE GAY! I'M NOT GAY, IT'SCH JUST A NATURAL REACTION, SCHUT UP–"

Both books were snapped shut in weary irritation.

—-

Gai was, of course, a source of boundless energy. He needed to expend that energy or else drive himself, and everyone else, insane. Being cooped up in an airship or battlebus or supersub wasn't very conducive for his particular personality. He would challenge Kakashi when they were not busy, but there was only so much they could do without destroying the expensive vehicles they traveled in. The band grew to enjoy the strange competitions, and one day ordered for the bus they were then traveling in to stop at a national park, and the park emptied of people.

"Uh, do it." Nathan said to the confused pair of ninja, pointing out at the green expanse.

Gai furrowed his brows in further confusion, and Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Do the, you know, the challenge thing. You can do that now. Out there."

Gai's face practically melted as he broke out his best thousand-watt smile. Kakashi looked half put-out, half amused.

"RIVAL!" Gai screamed, drawing the attention of the other ninja and band members in the bus. They knew what this meant– the 'spars' they had talked about, the amazing contests of ninja battle. They nearly tripped over themselves exiting the bus.

"Yo, not so loud Gai," Kakashi admonished, sticking a finger in his ear and feigning a pained expression.

Either not hearing or caring, Gai continued in his booming voice, "it is my turn to challenge you! And I challenge you to–"

"No."

Gai sputtered out of his loud proclamation, and Kakashi continued, "It's my turn. Our last challenge was that 'beer pong' thing, and you chose that. It's my turn."

Gai's face fell, as did everyone else's. They knew by now that Kakashi's challenges were quick, easy affairs to get him out of spending too much time or energy. The damn, lazy bastard of a ninja.

Kakashi put a hand to his chin, musing aloud, "What to do, what to do…"

He looked up at the disappointed, pouting faces that surrounded the door to the bus.

"Hmmm," He closed his eyes, seeming to decide, "I challenge you to… a spar."

Gai's face re-fractured itself into an overwhelming smile, and cheers echoed from the group at the door.

Gai stretched his legs, and Kakashi cracked his neck. "First one's back to touch the ground loses."

A flash of lightning, and a bust of high-speed wind announced the start of the spar.

—-

Concerts were not good. Not at all good, no, no, no, no. The death rate was so high, yet concert attendance was always increasing. The shinobi couldn't make sense of it. Did these people really like the music enough to risk _death_ to hear it live?

They had quickly learned their roles during these musical bloodbaths. Everyone wore a headset. Gai manned the stage, standing the shadows just behind the band as they played. He was to stop any on-stage accidents that might occur from the elaborate and dangerous equipment and special effects the band used. Naruto would make a legion of disguised clones and infiltrate the crowd, on the lookout for possible unrest or attackers. Though it wasn't part of their contract, he also worked to keep the crowd safe from the many hazards that came from attending a Dethklok concert– it was in his nature to protect everyone, and trying to stop him would be akin to trying to stop a hurricane. Sakura was positioned backstage, guarding the area and ready to heal the band or her teammates at a moment's notice. Kakashi took his place just off the stage, scanning the area for threats, updating his team and Ofdensen on malfunctions and dangers, and mobilizing and redirecting his team as needed.

There were many close calls, especially during their first concert with the band. The gargantuan swinging axes that flanked the stage that night somehow got unhinged, swinging faster and faster until they flew off into the crowd, cutting a bloody, organ-filled swath through the people. Gai had been in the crowd at that time, and had to open the first gate to speed away in time. The band and it's manager did not seem surprised or even impressed– it was business as usual.

Needless to say, team Kakashi quickly learned how best to deal with the many threats the concerts posed and dealt with them accordingly. There were always a few deaths, but they had significantly dropped. And, of course, the band was kept perfectly safe.

The team was always glad when each concert was over. They had developed a special kind of fear at the sight of the band's corpse paint.

—-

The parade of women wasn't unexpected– they were rockstars. The amount that went into Skwisgaar's room was something else entirely.

"Ne, Toki," Naruto whispered, beckoning the rhythm guitarist forward. It was just after a concert, and an immense horde of women was being funneled through the bus to Skwisgaar's room. Each had a contract in hand.

Toki wiped away some of the corpse paint from his face with a hand towel, "Yes, Narutos?"

"How does he… I mean, Skwisgaar can't possibly be doing it with _all_ of them, right? I mean, he's only human." Naruto squinted his eyes at Toki, for whom he shared a certain childish quality with.

Toki laughed and answered, "Yeps! He does all the ladies, doh I'm not verys sures how."

Naurot's eyes bugged and his throat worked for a minute. Finally he wheezed, "H-how is he even _real?!_ It's like something straight out of pervy-sensie's books!"

Toki pondered that for a moment. "I's guess," he said slowly, "dat maybes it's has gots somethings to do withs Skwisgaars sayings dat he's ams is a gods. He's ams just haves to haves all de womens, no matter who dey are!" With that, Toki gave the wild-eyed Naruto a smile and walked off toward his room.

.

Some time later, Skwisgaar casually asked Naruto about his famous 'sexy no jutsu,' and was disturbed to find the ninja turning a succession of red, green, and white in the face before and speeding off in the other direction while screaming something about 'pervy Skwis-san!'

—-

The subject of Kakashi's face was one of great interest to the band. Much to the band's delight, it was also a common interest with Kakashi's students, Naruto and Sakura.

"Scho, you're schaying that you guysch have already tried to schee his face a crapload of timesch before?" Murderface demanded. The band and two young ninja were lounging in the game room.

Sakura laughed a little guiltily, but answered, "Yeah. Nothing we've tried has ever worked. I mean, the one time he pulled his mask down in full view of us, there was _another_ mask under it."

"That's fucked up," Nathan grumbled from his arcade game, "what if he's, uh, hiding something under there?"

Seeing Sakura and Naruto's disbelieving faces, Pickles added, "No, no, he's right. What if he's jus' hiding some secret shit under dere?"

"Like what?" Naruto asked apprehensively. Behind him, Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose in exasperation. They were not actually getting into this _again_ , were they?

"Like, ahhhhm, I dunno dood, like a little mustache or sumthin.'"

Murderface turned around from his wheelchair racing game to comment, "Yeah, maybe he'sch got a fucking treasure map tattooed on his fasche, and it leadsch to Davy Jonesch' secret treaschure or the loscht city of Atlantisch."

"Or, or, maybes!" Toki piped up, not pausing in his dancing game, "Maybes he's gots a cute littles kittys face! With de whiskers and de kitty nose and de kittys teeths–"

"Toki," Skwisgaar interrupted with a loud, nasally sigh, "dat ams de stupidest things that I ams ever have heards."

Bottom lip protruding dangerously, Toki stomped his foot agitatedly in time with the game and demanded, "Wells den, what dos yous think ams unders there, mister 'supers geniuses'?"

Skwisgaar moved his fingers swiftly up the neck of his guitar, never ceasing his playing as he thought for a moment. He gave a dismissive shrug as he answered, "I's ams not sure, but I thinks he coulds haves a vaginas on his face." Somewhere behind him was the distinct sound of Naruto choking violently.

"Okay, you know what? I'm going to beat you dildos to the punch." Nathan chuckled and took out his dethphone. He held it up to his ear as it rang, motioning for everyone to be quiet. "Yeah, hello? Hey Kakashi, me and these douchebags were talking and we want to know what's under your mask. Yeah? Uh-huh. Okay. Mmhmm. Bye."

Nathan nonchalantly put his phone back in his pocket. "Well? Dood, what did he say?" Pickles prompted eagerly.

"Huh," Nathan said, sounding a little distracted as he resumed his game, "Oh, yeah. He said that he doesn't know what's under his mask either."

.

"Let me see your face." Nathan rumbled abruptly. He, Kakashi, and Gai were in the weight room. Nathan was actually lifting for once. Kakashi looked up from where he was spotting Gai to where Nathan sat on the bench, rhythmically lifting a weight in his left hand, curling up and back down.

"Maaah, so straightforward," Kakashi chuckled with an eye-smile, "but that isn't part of my mission specs. Sorry." Gai gave Kakashi an amused upside-down look and helped guide the weights back up onto the bar.

"More weight, rival," Gai requested, and Kakashi moved to comply.

Over on the bench, Nathan frowned, "But you get to, uh, see _my_ face all the time."

Kakashi gave Nathan a very, very dry look and didn't bother to answer. Nathan huffed a breath, switching arms, "Fine, you don't have to get so bitchy about it."

Gai snorted out a burst of laughter, quickly turned into a painful wheeze when Kakashi let go of the weight Gai was intending to raise back up onto the bar.

Nathan raised his eyebrows appreciatively, "Brutal."

.

"OK," Naruto whispered to Pickels, "When he comes by, you'll puke on his mask so he'll have to rip it off."

Pickles tipped his bottle of booze at Naruto unsteadily. "Ah'm the best projectile-vomiter, like, ever dood."

"Let's just hope you're the fastest too," Naruto whispered back, "because if not— here he comes! Go!" He pushed Pickles out into the hallway.

"Yo, Pickles," Kakashi greeted easily, lifting a hand in a little wave.

"Heeeeey, Kak'shiiiiiii~" Pickles slurred as he swayed first one way then another. It was just like Lee's drunken fist, Naruto gleefully thought from where he hid, Kakashi'd never be able to dodge it.

"You don't look too good," Kakashi pointed out, "maybe you should go lie down. Where's Naruto? Isn't he supposed to be guarding you right now?"

Pickles wobbled and weaved, unable to keep his footing for more than a few moments, "Ahhhhhhh don' knooooowwwww~"

Kakashi moved forward, "I'll escort you then, come on." He reached out a hand to steady Pickles' shoulder, but the drummer's drunken body maneuvered him out of his way with a little shuffle and swerve. Then ensued a game of cat-and-drunk-mouse, Kakashi trying to get ahold of Pickles while he staggered and swayed just out of his reach every time he went to grab for him.

When Pickles was in the perfect position, Naruto loosed a short, low whistle. Pickles reared back and took aim.

Perhaps Kakashi was anticipating it, or maybe he had figured out how to counter Pickles' drunken swerve technique, but whatever the reason, when Pickles spewed forth, Kakashi moved just in time to avoid the worst of it, completely missing his face. A few small spatters landed on his shoulder as the rest sailed over, missing his face by perhaps an inch.

"Whoa! That was close!" Kakashi said cheerfully as he finally grabbed hold of the shocked Pickles, "It's a good thing Naruto whistled to let me know something was up, or else I would have ended up with a face full of vomit."

Behind his corner, Naruto felt the blood leave his face.

Kakashi guided Pickles firmly towards his room, calling behind him, "You'll clean that up for me while I get cleaned up, right Naruto?"

A feeble "Yes… sensei…" echoed in the hall.

.

"Hey," Murderface motioned to Sakura, his dog-face and voice all conspiracy and taco-breath. Sakura managed not to pull a face and leaned marginally closer to him.

"I wasch thinking, I'm pretty schure I figured out why Kakaschi wears that maschk," Murderface whispered. Sakura's face was one of tired acceptance. Murderface came to her every few hours with a new theory on what was behind her sensei's mask. It was becoming an unhealthy obsession among the band members.

"You schee, I figured it out– He'sch a _lady._ " Sakura made a move to either leave or interrupt him, but Murderface waved a hand frantically to keep her attention, "Wait, juscht lischten. He'sch alwaysch covered up, and all you can really schee of him isch his right eye. He's really pretty though– schut _up I'm not gay becausch he'sch a lady!–_ and he never takesch any of the women back to his room after concerts, even when we scho kindly introduce him to them. And it was Skwisgaar, practically the god of sex and an expert on the ladies, who suggested he had a vagina on his face! And nonbody'sch scheen him naked!"

Murderface leaned back on the couch, crossing his arms and sighing in self-satisfcation, "Yep, I'm juscht a regular fucking geniusch, no need to thank me."

Sakura stared very, very hard and very, very long at the ceiling. It did nothing to help. "Murderface," she said eventually, "Kakashi's a man. Now, I haven't, ahh," her face turned a faint pink,"seen him naked, but Gai-sensie has known Kakashi-sensei since they were kids. They're best friends. I'm pretty sure he'd treat him a little differently if he was a woman."

Murderface's face fell as he pondered that. However, it wasn't long before he thought of something to support his argument.

 _"GAI'SCH FUCKING KAKASCHI!"_

Sakura fell forward off her seat. " _What?"_ She asked, disbelieving and trying to gracefully hide the bruise forming on her forehead.

"Well, think about it!" Murderface egged, puke-green eyes sparkling, "Gai'sch never been intereschted in talking about or scheeing Kakaschi's face, and Nathan schaid that Gai only _laughed_ when he aschked to schee Kakaschi's face!"

Sakura shook her head furiously. There was no way this was making sense to her, absolutely not, "Okay, okay, listen here! That's probably because he's already seen Kakashi-sensei's face! He's known him forever, and –"

"They're alwasch together!" Murderface cut her off, gesticulating wildly, "and they do thosche wierd challengesch– and a lot of it we don't even _schee_. I bet their little 'challenegsch' get all fucking kinky and freaky and nasty, like "hey 'rival' let'sch schee you can cum the moscht times in an hour." And you schaw the way Kakaschi was eyeing my codpiece, I bet they–"

 _"ALRIGHT!"_ Sakura barked. She was horrified. And wiping away the blood dripping steadily from her nose. "Kakashi-sensei might be a woman, or trans, or, you know, he could just be _gay_ or _bi_ or otherwise oriented. And _maybe_ Gai-sensei is in a relationship with him. How do we find out?"

Murderface smirked at her and jerked his thumb behind him. She turned and saw the hot tub bubbling away. "Oh. That… might actually work."

.

"You said you needed me to 'come really quick'?" Kakashi asked unsurely. He leveled a bland stare at the assembled band and ninja relaxing in the hot tub. Everyone was there, in swimsuits and with drinks in hand.

"Get in." Nathan rumbled at him.

Gai, the only one not in on the plan, gestured him forward energetically, "Yes rival, the water is so invigorating, it is sure to revitalize your youthfulness!" A few spaces over, Murderface gagged slightly into his beer, Gai's quirky sayings now taking on a whole new meaning to him.

Kakashi looked around the hot tub at the eager and conniving faces. He was many things, but an idiot was not one he found among his traits. "Sure, why not?" he responded with a little eye-smile. Not pausing to take in the shocked faces in the tub, he walked off toward the hall, calling over his shoulder, "I'll just go get a suit on."

Toki swiveled his head around, grinning fit to burst. Skwisgaar gave him a pointed look, motioning subtly with his guitar to Gai, and Toki calmed himself with a great effort. He still could not keep a small smile off his face. To his left, Naruto mirrored him. Pickles merely cuddled his large bottle to his chest, his grin lopsided and dreads out of place.

Kakashi returned after a few minutes, and the occupants of the hot tub turned to look at his emerging form. A pair of blue trunks, and… a damn mask. He slipped into the hot tub between Gai and Nathan. Murderface rose his eyebrows and smirked at Sakura smugly. The kunoichi did her best to ignore him.

Time to implement their plan. "So, uh," Nathan grumbled, "How long have you and Gai, uh, known each other?"

Kakashi was a little thrown. No straightforward demands to remove his mask, no transparant ploys? A real strategy, from _these_ guys? No, there had to be a mastermind here. He surveyed the faces in the tub as he answered slowly, "Hmm, I'd have to think…" Naruto and Toki looked eager, but there was no way it could be them… Pickles was hammered (again) so probably not him… Skwisgaar looked slightly interested, which was just a little unusual … Nathan was a possibility, though it didn't seem his usual, demanding and 'brutal' style… Sakura was looking highly uncomfortable, shooting glances to Murderface, who looked all too smug. Ah. He had his answer. Such an unlikely duo, but he could handle it.

"Well, I guess we've known each other since the first day of Academy, when I was, what, four?" He looked to Gai, who nodded proudly.

"Yes! My rival entered, and then graduated early being the genius he is! We have known each other for many a year, and grown ever more close in our rivalry as the time has passed!"

"Yeah, uh, that's really fucking awesome and shit, real metal, getting trained to rip people's guts out when you're a baby," Nathan rumbled in approval, clearly forgetting the focus of their little coup de tat. "How old were you when you, uh, first killed a guy with a–"

Murderface cleared his throat with a murderous glare, and Nathan reluctantly abandoned that line of conversation. "Sos," Skwisgaar spoke up to Nathan's left, "hows close ams yous guys is nows de days?"

The pattern revealed itself, and the ploy was made clear to Kakashi. No, that couldn't be it. Get to him through _Gai_? That wasn't their attack plan, it couldn't be. There was only one way to find out. "Mah, what do you think, Gai?" he asked casually.

Gai thrust to thumbs out infront of him violently to proclaim, "We are as close as close can be! No one has a more incredible, close, and special bond as two eternal rivals!" He even tipped a hefty wink, complete with a pop of sparkles.

After their eyes had adjusted from the bright lights of Gai's theatrics, the hot tub looked as one back at Kakashi for confirmation. He gave a simple shrug as he answered, "Hm, sounds about right."

Gai graced Kakashi with a dazzling smile.

Significant glances and badly concealed hand signs were exchanged across the bubbling water. Toki leaned forward and gestured between Kakashi and Gai, and then between Skwisgaar and himself, "Skwisgaar and I dont's always understands everthings de others talks abouts, with de words and languages. What is 'eternals rivals' exdactyl-lies?"

Kakashi gestured again toward Gai. He was doing a good job of keeping them busy, leading them on, and saving Kakashi his breath. A new pose was struck as Gai rambled on about the nature of eternal rivals, "– and so in this magical relationship, Kakashi and I pledge ourselves to each other forever and ever no matter what happens!"

On the other side of the pool, Sakura blinked slowly and, as everyone else thought the exact same thing, she deadpanned, "It sounds like you're… married."

It was Kakashi's turn to speak, he decided, and as Gai opened his mouth to respond, he gave him a _look_ , and Gai simply closed his mouth and waited patiently with an uncharacteristically small, smug smile on his face.

"Well," Kakashi drawled out, long and low, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "that's probably because we _are_ married. Have been since we were, what, twenty three?" He arched an eyebrow at Gai, who grinned blindingly in response.

In the spectacular choas that followed that huge chunk of information, wherein a klokateer was somehow beheaded and someone pissed in the hot tub, the issue of Kakashi's face was forgotten. He loved it when he won.

.

"Kaka-senseiiiiiii" Naruto whined for perhaps the 200th time since the now legendary hot tub incident, "Why didn't you _tell_ us you and bushy brow sensei were married!?"

Kakashi sighed, for perhaps the 200th time, and fired off the same list he had every time Naruto or Sakura brought up the subject, "We were married before you became my team; it's our personal business and thus _none of yours_ ; many ninja conceal their relationships; and you would have known, like Sasuke did, if you had done as I taught you and _looked underneath the underneath."_

Naruto, verging on 17 now, squinted not so much _up_ at Kakashi as he did directly across at him. He was silent for a moment, but, as was his nature, could not contain himself.

"But why didn't Sasuke tell us?!"

Kakashi sighed. He turned around, a squawking Naruto following him. Sasuke didn't tell him, or anyone for that matter, because _this_ was what would have happened to him.

—–

There was never a day so terrible as the day team Kakashi met Toki's special friend.

"C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-YEAH!"

The ninja simultaneously clamped down on their ears and their inborn urge to kill at the sound of the shrill falsetto. The bandmates, minus toki, took on similar expressions of murderous intent.

" _I DO COCAIN!"_

The clown– ahem, the 'rock and roll' clown– should be a special type of forbidden jutsu, Naruto decided, used only for interrogations with Ibiki.

The, the _thing_ approached the ninja sitting with the band. Dr. Rockso put a hand on his greasy hip and pointed a finger at the disturbed team.

"Dr. Rockso heard there were some _ninjas_ Dethklok were hanging out with~" He swayed his hips, and–dear God– his _junk_ moved in his ridiculously-cut jumpsuit. If ever they had doubted there was a human being with worse fashion sense than Gai and Lee, those doubts were killed with fire, "so~ Dr. Rockso thought he'd come on over and see what they're all about, mmmm~"

Before they knew it, he squirmed his filthy body between Gai and Naruto. "Hey bay-buhs~ you been playin' nice with my pal Toki's band?"

Toki hopped excitedly from one foot to the other, "Wowie, my ninja friends ands my clowns friends togethers! He's a real cools guys, right?" He turned his big blue eyes on the ninja. Damn him and his cuteness.

"Uh, yeah," Naruto muttered, trying his hardest to all but burrow into Sakura's side. Rockso was awfully… _thouchy._ And smelly. And moist. It was a bad combination.

Gai, ever happy-go-lucky and friendly to all, tried his best to be amicable with the clown. That changed shortly as he felt his ass being groped.

"I like your jumpsuit, baby," Rockso managed to whisper before the roar of chidori filled the air.

.

Dr. Rockso learned to avoid the two jonin when he visited. Mostly.

"C-c-c-douchebags," He muttered in Kakashi and Gai's general direction. Gai scowled disapprovingly and Kakashi slowly held up a single finger. A small spark of lightning snaked and popped across the tip of his finger.

Rockso pouted and retreated to the relative safety of Toki. Only Toki's man-child tears had saved Rockso during that first, horrible encounter.

Damn his cuteness.

—-

The tour was a roaring success, like Dethklok's tours always were. The fans were non the wiser to the hired ninja. None of the band nor team Kakashi were killed. The mission was a success, and finally over.

It was time for the ninja to pack up and go home.

The band was not at all happy.

"This fucking sucks," Nathan muttered as they entered the land of fire. Not much longer, and they'd be back at Konoha, saying goodbye to their badass ninja friends. "Let us fucking hire you douchebags full-time. C'mon. _C'mon."_ It was a conversation that had happened time and time again.

And again and again the ninja answered, _"No."_ They liked the band, they really did. They and the band had become unlikely friends, it was true, and they would miss them. But. They knew the track record of the employees of Dethklok, and considered themselves lucky for having survived as long as they did. It was best not to poke a sharp stick in Fate's eye.

.

The ninja had been begged and begged over and over and over and _over_ for one thing of the band (besides Kakashi's face), and every time they had refused. They were on duty, and they were professionals. There was no possible way they could do it.

They exited the dethbus, and stepped foot in Konoha. A chunin came running to meet them. Kakashi had a whispered conversation with the chunin, handed over a massive amount of paperwork, and waved the overloaded man off. With that, the ninja turned around and re-boarded the dethbus.

Facing the blinking, stupefied faces of the band, Naruto threw his fist into the air and shouted, "Alright, we're off-duty– _LET'S PARTY DATTEBAYO!"_

"DOOD!"

"FUCKING YESCH!"

"THAT'S DOABLE!"

"YEAH LET'S GETS SMASHEDS!"

"BRING DE BITCHES!"

"SHANNARO!"

"YOSH!"

"DATTEBAYO!"

"Mahhhhh"

.

In a room far in the partially-destroyed dethbus, Tsunade felt the beginnings of a migraine as she awoke. "How did I get here?" She moaned from under the wreckage of what appeared to be 30 guitars and two drum sets.

"You came to tell us off for not getting off their bus, and then heard there was a party, and then got smashed with us," Naruto moaned back. He was under a couch. He was also wearing a bikini top.

"Hey, guysch, the hot pro-wrestchler lady's here!" Murderface yelled from under a snoring Gai, who was _very_ naked and clutching to his chest a sleeping Kakashi who had, somehow and for some reason, managed to put on his and Gai's clothes combined to form a super cocoon of clothing.

"Why didn't anyone tell me?! I could have put my _movesch_ on her!"

\- End, thankfully-


End file.
